Holy emotions

Last night I went to a book signing for Love and Infertility-Kristen Magnacca. It was held at one of the pharmacys that I order my meds from. I met alot of nice people and Kristen was really sweet. She even told me that she might be able to get my in for a insurance call in hour w/ resolve (for free). However, to be honest I dont think theres anything anyone can do-I've tried to be nice to them, screamed at them and begged an pleaded with them-Nothing is going to change their minds. Its weird that in that room I was the ONLY person paying out of pocket.Anyways... I exchanged emails/numbers w./a few girls (its sooo nice to talk with someone going threw the same stuff).

On the way home however I lost my shit. Just started balling on the pike.Hmmmm I think its beacause even though I talk about things with my husband an a few friends/family it was different.I let my guard down, heard words that I can relate too. It made it more real since I was at this place. When I found out my IVF was cancelled I didnt scream/cry I just went on with things. I think for now on after finding out news I need to vent or I just gonna loose it.

When I came home my DH asked if I learned anything and I told him what Kristen and the other ladies said and he said "thats all". His wonderful comment didnt help me with my crazy emotions. I went onto the computer until bed and then when we went to sleep I freaked out. I want to tell him everything thats going on inside my head but dont have the words.

Today we went to visit a friend who just had a baby on Wed. On the way there I was super nervous and I asked him if he liked seeing other peoples babies. He said I'm not jealous of them, I know its going to happen for us next time. He said he cant dwell on the cancelled cycle and needs to be positive. That made me feel alot better. I'm really happy for our friends,and they are over joyed. I held the baby and so did my hubby and we were fine. I know we are going to be fine.

Ohh yeah, Kristen gave us a headband, I dont plan on using it but I plan on taking it with me to every appt. Maybe it will bring me luck!

cycle cancelled

Yesterday I got the official word-we are shutting down this cycle. The follicles arent growing like they should be at this stage and since my estrogen is all over the place. The only thing that sucks is that we were almost done,this week would have been the ET. Everyone thought it would be best to start from scratch. We are out around $2500.00 but I guess its not too bad. Thank god I have such an amazing husband. We were told to take 4 weeks off and start again.

Stupid estrogen...again

Yesterday was great, I went to the beach with a friend and just talked (not about ivf) just things. It was just what I needed to get my mind off all this stuff. However I'm a lobster- a real lobster maybe even more red than a lobster!lol. Today was my u/s an b/w since starting back on the gonal f and the eggies grew a smidge like .5 :( So the biggest is 15 with a 14 and 10 13's etc. As we drove home we were thinking that the cycle is going to be cancelled because my body is just not listening but as always it depends on my estrogen level. Well an on call doc called @ 1pm with the results and said it dropped again. WTF. Its now 200. Keep in mind that last Tues it was 1651 and Wed it was 2620(?) and Fri it was 600. So righ then we figured he would say stop the cycle and start fresh, nope. He said take 150 of the gonal f tonight w/ 5c of lupron and come in tomm for another u/s +b/w. I told the doc I dont have that much g-f for tonight...I only have 112.5. He said take what ever is left. So now we are thinking that on call doc doesnt know what hes doing. Our reg RE says its not good for the estrogen to be all over the place. If it is then the eggies wont be growing properly. KIll me. So I had to call him back and ask if he was sure and he said yes-it might jump alot over night and we would def know tomm if we are cancelling. At this point I have prepaired myself 3 times to cancel this cycle.I cant keep going back and fourth. I think my reg doc will say to start fresh-and we are okay with this. Only time will tell..........

Some good news

My doctor called this afternoon and said my estrogen dropped. My new level is 600-its lower than they wanted but ok. Our plan is to continue with this cycle unless my estrogen goes up crazy again or the eggies stop growing. I will decrease my lupron tonight to 5 and start again on the gonal f,this time @ 75 units. I go back in on Sunday for another u/s and blood work to see where we are at. Today of the 19 growing eggies there were 2 that were 14 mm in size. The size we are looking for is 18 or more. The others are close behind. We had to cancel our weekend away but I think it will be worth it.

Is it 2pm yet...waiting

We went in today for another u/s and blood work since stopping the gonal f drug. It turns out the follicles are growing on their own! Yay! On Wed we had 5 eggies growing-today (fri)there are 19 growing. The doc said its a good sign that they are growing on their own but everthing depends on if my estrogen has dropped. I pray that it has. My doc wants to see it around 1,000-2,000 (wed it was 2621). A normal person is around 800 @ this time... I keep thinking of I go tanning then maybe I can sweat out the estrogen! HAha, I know this isnt how bodies work but hey its getting me threw the day. On the other hand I dont want to go tanning in case I hurt the eggies. The nurse has told me that I cant hurt the eggs by sun, but you never know. I also have a theory that the lab is messing up my estrogen tests, I know they probably arent but I need to blame someone. I'm waiting for the call this afternoon to tell me if we are going to continue this cycle....its going to be a long day. In case everything looks good we have made appts for Sat & Sun- which ruins our weekend plans to get away. We'll see what the blood test show. For the moment I'm bringing my phone wherever I go.

Over-stimulating...sad

So today I went in again for a u/s and blood work. Turns out the 8 eggies are staring to grow. All are 10mm and 1 is 11. I was waiting for my nurse to call me when the doctor did. If a doctor calls thats never a good sign...she said my estrogen went up another 1,000-thats right 1,000. I dropped my gonal f dose to the lowest dose last night and the shit still goes way up. We decided to stop the gonal f and up my luron dose to 10cc (instead of 5) for the next 2 nights and go in on Friday for more blood work and another u/s to see if my estrogen has dropped and the eggies are growing on there own. After the u/s we will sit down to chat. She said she wants me to know that we might be canceling the cycle. I understand they have my best interest in mind and there are alot of health risks to me but what the f****.
We have to wait till Friday and hope that my levels have dropped and the eggies are growing on there own...
Until then

Stupid blood work

My nurse just called and said they are concerned with my very high estrogen levels. They are at 1,651-a place where they should be around the time of the retrieval :( I now have to lower my gonal f dose to 37.5 units instead of 150 units and go back tomm for another u/s and blood work to see where the levels are going... Sooo not happy right now. They are afraid I'm going to over stimulate-and i'm afraid they are going to cancel the cycle and then we would have wasted time and money...

Good appt today

This morning I went in for blood work and a u/s. The woman I got today for my u/s is my favorite. She talks to me and tells me things/unlike the others. Lol! She said I have 20+ follicles on each side-thats right 40+ total :) Horray for me! I had a feeling that they were starting to grow but never thought 40 would be there. They are still too small to measure but its a start. My favorite nurse will call around 2pm with my blood results-I have no clue what they are looking for but whatever. She will let me know when to come back and what dose to do on the gonal f (go up or down). I dont know if its tooo early but I'd like to trigger on Sunday-then I'll have been on gonal f for 9days. If I trigger on Sunday then I'll they will take the eggies out on Tues and but them back in on Friday. I'm off on Tues and Fridays so this would make life easy. I have told my boss about whats going on, just in case I need to take time off. She is super supportive!!

I feel like a druggy

I feel like a drug user. I dont know how people can put needles into themselfs all the time and get pleasure out of it. Here it is 8:45am and I'm dreading 7:05pm (2 shots).Ahhhh. But I thought I'd list all my wonderful meds that are making my kitchen look like a drug store and my bank acct look yucky. Did I mention our insurance isnt paying for IVF or our meds//? However if I didnt have health insurance the state would pay for it.GOOOO FIGURE. I swear I'm not bitter!

Provera- Drug used to induce a period
Birth control pills-
Lupron- Drug used to suppress your ovaries $258
Gonal F Pen 900- Used to grow your follicles $717 each pen and I think I need a new pen this week...
Noveral-Triggers your eggies to release and 36 hours from then you do the retrieval $62
Progesterone suppositories-Helps the lining if the uterus $70

IVF procedure:$6500.00
u/s and blood work: $1500.00

It will be all worth it in the end.

A long long ass 6 weeks starts...

Forgive me if I'm all over the place with this blogging thing. I just started to blog and am trying to recall the past months to give a better idea. However I'm not sure that people will read this, so far I'm not telling others that I'm doing it. But deep down I want people to read it...its the hardest thing I've ever gone threw and I cant put it into a conversation. Weird I know-I ramble too.
Anywho, IVF is a 6 week process (it feels like 600 weeks to be honest). It starts with the birth control pill (ironic I know) on day 3 of your cycle. However if your like me and dont get your 'friend' on a monthly basis you start provera to induce one. I started my pills on 6/19, then I moved onto lupron shots (10cc) on 7/3. I was told to do the shots between 7-9pm each night, at 7:05pm every night I start getting the shot ready. In my mind if I do it the same time all the time we will have better results...what ever gets me threw the shots...haha. I give the shot in my stomach-2 inches from my belly button, I alternate sides each day but still I have bruises. At 1st it was very easy but its getting harder as the days go on. My belly is sore and ugly. After 10 days of the lupron shot I went in for a u/s and blood work to see if the meds are doing their job. It turns out they are! My nurse (who I <3) called and said everything is on track and to decrease my lupron to 5cc a day and to start the gonal f pen on 7/17. 150 units a night along with the lupron. Gee the fun of 2 shots in my belly. I can give the shots in my thigh but I think the belly is closer to the eggies so thats why I'm doing it there. I have an u/s and blood work tomm to see if the gonal f is working and if I should go up or down in my dose. I really want to see progress tomm but the nurse thinks its too soon to see big follicles (eggies) growing. We'll see.

The start of my story

I have been thinking of doing a blog for a little while now. However I have no clue where to start,what to say etc. So here goes-I'm 27 and have pcos. I have been ttc (trying to conceive) since 5/08 and have had no luck. We started seeing a fertility doc in 12/08. She put us threw many tests to rule other things out. Turns out my tubes are fine and my hubby is ok. We found out that I have plenty of eggies but they dont like to mature. They need to mature to ovulate... We set out a plan to take clomid 100mg and when the follicles are mature 18mm we would do a trigger shot of ovidrel. Well to make a long story short we maxed out clomid @ 250mg and only ovulated 1 time in 5 months. We sat down with our doc to make a new plan. It was decided to do IVF, it has the best chances and since we are paying out of pocket for everything we figured why not put our money in the best possible place.